Sunday, May 5, 2013

"Parent"dox: So Small, Yet So Big

Sunday Night "Parent"dox #11: So Small, Yet So Big

This was how I spent my Saturday night.  I don't mean to brag, but I guarantee it beats the pants off whatever anyone else in the entire universe was doing.  I'm just saying.

I was in the basement of sister and brother-in-law's house as they were finishing up a long day of moving.  I found myself a nice quiet piece of their sectional couch that was actually right side up, and snuggled with my sweet, sleeping two-week-old niece.  For about 2 hours.

I was most definitely in my happy place.

And while in my happy place, holding my sweet little niece, I looked down to notice she was wearing an outfit that used to belong to my daughter.  I was instantly transported three years back in time.  I remembered picking that outfit out and choosing it because it was cute, but not pink and not too girly.  I remembered the first place she wore it, which was to a retirement party for a few colleagues of mine.  I remembered how very tiny my daughter seemed when I put that outfit on her little two-week-old self.

That is when this "parent"doxical question crossed my mind:  How is it possible to love something so small with a love that is so astronomically big?

My life was completely and totally changed with the arrival of each of my children.  I discovered I had a capacity to love in a way I never knew I was capable of when I met each of them.  I experienced a love so deep, so rich, that even now I have trouble putting words to it.

These little tiny people -- each of them weighing no more than 7 pounds -- had captured my heart.  Forever.  

What continues to baffle my mind is how quickly and deeply I fell in love with these tiny little people who I knew so little about. This love was different than any other love I had experienced in my life.  I had no idea what talents they would have, what fears they would have, what hopes and dreams they would have, what struggles and difficulties they would have.  I had no idea if we would have anything in common.  I had no idea what their personalities would be, what their interests would be, what foods or books or colors or ice cream flavors would be their favorites.  They had no words to communicate any of this to me, and wouldn't for a very long time.  They couldn't hug me or kiss me.  They couldn't even look me in the eye, or smile at me to show me they were connecting with me in some way in those first few days.

I didn't know if they would ever love me in the way I loved them.  

But it didn't matter.  None of that mattered.

I knew everything I needed to about them.  They were mine.  Nothing else mattered.  I loved them totally and completely and unconditionally.  Instantly.

I knew I had experienced a love that went beyond anything else.  I knew I this was a love that was bigger than me.  I knew something in my heart grew and stretched and changed in those early days with both of my babies, and it hasn't been the same since.  It loves in a way I can't make sense of, in a way I can't put words to.  It is an unconditional, unchangeable, immeasurable kind of love.

Even when I was spit up on...and peed on...and pooped on...without so much as a smile from this little tiny person I was devoting myself to caring for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  Even when I hadn't slept or showered or eaten a warm meal.  I was in love.  I couldn't explain it then, and I can't explain it now.

The smallest people I have ever been blessed to know have blessed my life with the biggest love I could possibly imagine.  

When your heart is full beyond words.  When you experience love beyond words.  When you have a love bigger than words for such a tiny little miracle, You Are a Good Mom.

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