What Not to Say to a Mom When She is 8.99 Months Pregnant

Today marks my little sister's due date with her first baby.  I -- along with my sister, brother-in-law, and both families -- am beyond excited to meet this sweet little bundle of joy.  My neice-to-be, however, has not decided to make her grand entrance into this world just yet.  

My heart goes out to my sister.  

Both of my babies were born past their due dates.  Every day past my due date seemed like a week.  To add insult to injury, every single thing someone asked me or told me related to having that baby seemed like the most annoying, insulting thing I'd ever heard in my life.  To the credit of the people making these comments, they were in no way actually annoying or insulting at all.  On the contrary, they were loving and supporting and comforting.  However, when I was just ready to not be pregnant any more and my hormones were raging and I pretty much couldn't do anything except eat chocolate ice cream, every last word seemed spiteful.

With that in mind, and in honor of my sister and all Moms who have gone past their due dates the world over, here it is...

A Guide for What Not to Say to a Mom When She is 8.99 months Pregnant  

All the comments below may appear innocent enough upon first glance, but be warned.  Keep your audience in mind:  A woman who is carrying around a full-grown baby and would love nothing more than to have a glass of wine, some sushi and a whole bunch of Feta cheese.  

This handy little guide may just save your life someday.  File it away for safe keeping.

[The responses below do not reflect the view of my sister or my current self.  They belong solely to my "past due date self" from years ago.  This "past due date self" claims responsibility for all responses in italics, and the level of snarkiness contained therein.  It is quite possible that these responses have become even more snarky by being bottled up all these years.  I suppose writing this blog post was cheaper than therapy, though.  My profound apologies.  From my "past due date self," of course.] 

"When are you due?"
Does it really matter?  I obviously have not had this baby yet, so "due date" no longer means anything.  I am "past due."  I am thinking of collecting some sort of fine from my doctor.  The library does it, and that's just for some stinkin' book.  I have been focused on that due date for 9 months now.  I think my doctor may have arbitrarily picked a date and given it to me as some experimental form of torture.  No, I don't want to talk about it.  No, I don't want to discuss it.  Unless you're getting me chocolate ice cream, please leave me alone.

"Didn't you have that baby yet?"
Yes, as a matter of fact I did.  I just loved hauling around a watermelon for the last few months so very much that I stuck one up my shirt and I'm continuing to waddle around just for fun now.  And my newborn baby is in the nursery at the hospital.  And I'm at the mall.  Thanks for asking.

"I had all my babies 2 weeks early!"
Great news for you.  Sucks for me.  Unless you're getting me chocolate ice cream, please leave me alone.

"Just enjoy these last few days before your baby arrives."
I would love to, but I can no longer "enjoy" anything, including walking, sleeping or breathing.  The thing that I want more than anything in this world is to meet my child.  Enjoying anything but chocolate ice cream right now is physically impossible.

"I'm sure that baby will arrive before you know it!"
No, it won't.  I will definitely "know it."  "Before I know it" would have been 2 weeks ago or even 2 days ago.  That ship has sailed.  We have now moved into "I know it" and are getting dangerously close to "After I know it."

"My {friend/sister/cousin/co-worker/any other random person pregnant mom doesn't know} just had her baby yesterday!"
Great news for them.  Sucks for me.  Unless you're getting me chocolate ice cream, please leave me alone.

"Your baby must just be so very cozy in your tummy they just don't want to come out!"
Yup, I'm sure that's exactly what it is.  My uterus is so awesome at comforting my unborn child, they may just stay in there until they graduate from high school.  Or college.  At least that's what it feels like to me.  Therefore, I am cancelling their cable, disconnecting their Internet and delivering an eviction notice to my little tenant.  I may even bribe my baby with chocolate ice cream as their first meal when they do finally arrive.  By the way, could you go get me some chocolate ice cream?

A Guide for What to Say to a Mom When She is 8.99 Months Pregnant

"Let me get you a second bowl of chocolate ice cream."

Yup, I think that pretty much covers it for that section.

Whether your child was early, late, or right on time, You Are a Good Mom.  

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