To My Son on His First Day of School

To My Son...

Today is your very first day of kindergarten.  

Your backpack is zipped up.  Your lunch is packed.  Your water bottle is topped off.  

You are ready to go.

Every day for the last week, you have started your day by asking me "Mom, is today my first day of school?"  You eagerly sprinkled your 'Ready Confetti' from your teacher under your pillow last night to help you get a good night's rest. You've been jumping up and down every time someone so much as mentions the word "kindergarten" in your presence.

I suppose those things really just describe the "excited" part of being ready to go.

But I've also seen the "prepared" part of being ready to go in you, too.

You are a good problem solver.  You know how to zip and unzip your lunch box.  You are a good listener.  You love to learn new things.  You introduce yourself to new kids, and invite them to play.  You know exactly where your classroom, your locker, your desk are.  You can follow directions.  You can ask questions and ask for help when you need it.  You know how to stand up for yourself.  I've seen you grow and develop confidence in yourself and do all these things.  

I know you are ready, in every sense of the word.

So I guess the real question is: Am I ready?

Am I ready to put you on that bus?  Am I ready to admit that you really don't need me to help you eat lunch every day?  Am I ready to accept that you will make friends that I don't know and haven't met first?  Am I ready to admit that the sweet baby boy I held in my arms what seems like moments ago is ready to walk into his kindergarten classroom and wave good-bye?

Here's the funny thing about being a parent...the answers to those questions are irrelevant.

It doesn't really matter if I'm ready or not, because you are.  And you won't wait around for me to 'be ready' because that's not how it works, and that's not how it should work.  Honestly, I don't know that I'll ever truly be ready for any part of you growing up, whether it's your first day of kindergarten or your first day of college.

But that's OK.  

Because you are ready.  And I wouldn't want it any other way.  I am thankful that you are excited and confident and eager and ready.  It is a blessing to this Mom's heart.  

While I may not be nearly as ready as you are, I do know I am just as excited as you are about today.  So much lies ahead, and today simply marks the first step in an amazing journey for you.  You are going to experience so many "firsts" this year, and I can't wait to hear all about them from your thrilled little face while you jump up and down the entire time you're telling me about it.  There is so much for you to learn and do and see and experience.  Your whole world is going to open up to be so much bigger this year.  

As your world does grow by leaps and bounds when you walk in the doors of that school, my prayer for you is that you are YOU.  That you are 100% totally and completely YOU.  God has made you this kind, fun-loving, compassionate, goofy, smart boy, and He needs you to be YOU.  Your teacher and your classmates need you to be YOU.  The world needs you to be YOU. 

And do you know why?
  
Because you are a pretty incredible kid.  You are an incredible kid just by being YOU.  You have so much to offer this world, and in order to do that, you need to be YOU.

I hope you follow your heart and make choices based on what you know to be true and right and kind.  I hope you have lots of chances to speak what's on your mind, and share your thoughts in the way only you can.  I hope you find a peace and confidence to just be yourself and light up the room the way I've seen you do countless times.  I hope you trust yourself and believe in yourself and stay true to yourself.   

This will be true for your first day of kindergarten, your first day of high school, and your first day at your first job.  

I think that's what gets me about this day.  I'm going to blink and I'm going to be sharing these same words with you on your first day of high school, and over the phone with you on your first day at your first job.  Today is a reminder of just how fast it all goes and how precious these moments with you are.  Today is also a reminder of all the possibilities that life has to offer you.

So today, if you happen to see me cry or catch my breath as I wave good bye to you when the bus pulls away, please know they are tears of absolute joy and pride and excitement and gratitude on my part.  I am so very honored that I get to be your mom, and have a front row seat to watch you grow up.  I am thrilled to be on this journey with you.  

I hope you have a fantastic first day of kindergarten, and I absolutely can't wait to hear every single detail from you tonight at dinner.  

I love you to the moon and back!
Mom

Ready or not, You're a Good Mom.

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To My Son on His Birthday

To My Son...

In five short years, you have blessed me beyond my wildest dreams and filled our house with much love and laughter.  You forever changed my life in ways I couldn't have imagined before you arrived.  You have brought unspeakable joy to my life.  What I am most thankful for, however, is all you have been teaching me, each and every day, for the past five years.

You have taught me to be true to my word, and how important it is to follow through on what I say.  

You have taught me to ask questions about everything; to wonder, to inquire, to be curious.

You have taught me all about dinosaurs and cars and bugs and sea creatures (as you like to call them) and frogs.

You have taught me to be thoughtful with my words and my actions, as little ears are always listening and little eyes are always watching.

You have taught me to never underestimate you.  From the time you were an infant, you have constantly surprised me with things you could learn and do if simply given the chance.  (You amazed us all when you even knew what a 'parallelogram' was before your second birthday rolled around.)

You have taught me what "unconditional love" truly means.

You have taught me that it's OK to just be still and be quiet for a little while.  That it's OK to just hang out in my room if I need to when the world can get just a little bit overwhelming, as you like to do sometimes.

You taught me how to be a Mom.  You gave me that title five years ago.  I know I'm still learning every step of the way.  Thanks for being patient with me.

You have taught me that a good, solid belly laugh can fix just about anything.

Even this very blog post is a testament to all you are teaching me.  

It is an entire month late, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Today, you are actually five years and ONE MONTH old.  

And I am delighted that this blog post is coming a month late.  

Your detail-oriented, deadline-driven Mom is delighted that this blog post is coming a month late.  

And I have you -- and all you are teaching me -- to thank for that.

The day of your birthday we were in the middle of a week-long vacation at the beach.  We started the day with birthday doughnuts at the cottage, followed by opening your presents from your Mom and Dad and your sister.  We went on a bike ride downtown, where you picked out a special kite, as you'd been asking for one for a few weeks leading up to your birthday.  We ate Pronto Pups by the channel at lunch per your request, and you picked a restaurant where you could have a hamburger for dinner.  You chose ice cream at your favorite ice cream spot for dessert, and we finished the day playing at the beach as the sun set and the waves rolled on the shore.  It truly was an incredible day, and I felt so blessed to spend every second of it with you.

I wouldn't have traded a single second of that day to sit down at my computer and write a blog post, even if it was about my favorite boy in the entire universe.

In the month since your birthday, we have been here, there and everywhere.  It has been a jam-packed month, full of love, laughter, family and friends.  There have been birthday parties, graduations, camping trips, cottage vacations, visits to lakes and beaches, parades, fireworks, cookouts, and more ice cream cones than I care to admit.  I wouldn't have traded any of those busy days with you to sit down at my computer.

And that, my son, is the very most important thing you are teaching me.  You are teaching me how important it is to be present, to be there with you; really with you, every chance I get.  You are teaching me how precious these moments are, and just how fast five years can truly go.

A blog post can wait.  An email can wait.  A phone call can wait.  Because you won't wait.  You can't wait.  Your only job right now is to keep growing and learning and becoming the amazing kid you ARE.  I get the chance to be your Mom at age five, and age five and one month, and age five and two months once -- ONCE -- that's it.  So all that other stuff?  It can wait.  You are more important.  You are more delightful.  You are more incredible.  

Thank you for teaching me that.  

These years are so very precious, and are passing by way too fast already.  I feel like I blinked and you are already five.  FIVE!  When did that happen?  It could not have possibly been five years since we got to meet your sweet face just minutes before midnight.  Since you needed me to do absolutely everything for you.  Since you could rest in my arm and fit between my elbow and my fingertips.

Somehow, though, the calendar says it has indeed been five years.  

And in these five years you have been teaching me these lessons of being present, of being truly with you, just by be being you. 

You have taught me to stop and look when you say "Mommy, watch this!"  You have taught me to slow down and inspect the ants with you when we go on a walk together.  You have taught me to get out of my chair and chase you around the yard, and to get off the couch and wrestle you on the floor.  You had no idea you were giving these lessons each and every day, but you have been the absolute best teacher I could ask for.  I know I'll need to be reminded of these lessons when the "stuff" of life can creep in and take start to take over.  Please be patient with me, and just keep reminding me, to be present, to be there, to truly be with you, every chance I get.

You are growing up so very fast, but also so very well.  I could not possibly love you any more or be more proud of you.  You are becoming such a funny, smart, thoughtful, inquisitive boy.  You have an incredibly kind and giving heart, and you already have great intuition about other people's feelings.  You have a strong sense of right and wrong, and love to seek order in all things.  You have a love for learning, and are constantly asking questions about the world around you.  Dad and I are continually amazed at your memory, too.  You have an infectious laugh, and you are willing to jump in and meet new people without hesitation.  You love to play and run and wrestle and just soak up all that life has to offer.  You are an amazing big brother to your sister.  You look out for her, you stick up for her and you comfort her in a way no one else can.  

My wish for you is that you may remain true to you -- to who you are -- as you continue to grow and develop into the child, teenager and man God created you to be.  May you remain as comfortable and confident in your own skin as you are now.  May you continue to follow your passions and your dreams, and may you always have the courage to do what is right in your heart.  May you always know how much Dad and I love you, and that we are always here for you, no matter what.

I love you so much!
Mom

You are my son.  My sweet, precious gift.  For you, everyday, I strive to live up to those words "You Are a Good Mom."  I hope every now and then, I hit the mark!  I love you to the moon and back!

To My Daughter on Her Birthday

To My Daughter...

Three years ago today, you made your grand entrance into this great big world.  In some ways, it feels like those three years have absolutely flown by, but in other ways, it feels like you've always been here and I simply can't remember what life was like before you were a part of our lives.

Three years ago today, I was past my due date by a day and had just gone through a week of lots of contractions.  More than once, Daddy and I thought we'd be heading to the hospital, only to find out it was a false alarm.  Knowing you and your flair for the dramatic, now I think it was you playing a little joke on us!  

Three years ago today, I had a contraction in the middle of the night.  And then another one a few hours later.  And then hopped in the shower around 5:30am and had two more and thought this might actually be something and I should probably wake your Dad up.  We called Grandma to come stay with your brother, and by 7:30am my contractions were pretty close together, pretty intense, and we were headed downtown to the hospital.

Three years ago today, the Riverbank Run was also taking place.  As in, thousands and thousands of people converging on downtown, which just so happens to be where the hospital is.  So as I gripped the arm rests and tried to breathe, your Dad navigated through closed road after closed road and herds of runners warming up for the race that was about to begin just as we neared the hospital.

Three years ago today, you arrived at 12:51pm, weighing 6 pounds, 12 ounces.  Daddy got to tell me you were a girl, and we decided on your name together.  I was completely overcome with emotion, and I remember a single, silent tear rolling down my cheek when they placed you in my arms.  I had a daughter.

Three years ago today, your big brother got to be the very first family member to meet you.  We were able to celebrate as a little family of four.  Those are some of my most precious memories.  Seeing him hold you and look at you and be amazed by you are images that are forever stored in my memory and tucked away in my heart.  I try to pull them out on the days when you guys are fighting over the same blue Lego piece, and there is a tub of 53 million of the exact same Lego pieces in the tub behind you.

Three years ago today, that very proud big brother got to walk into the waiting room full of your family, waiting to meet you, and eagerly announce "I have a little sister!"

Three years ago today, it was the day before Mother's Day.  You were absolutely without a doubt the very best Mother's Day gift I could have ever imagined.  You smelled better than any flowers, your kisses were sweeter than any candy and your eyes sparkled brighter than any jewelry I could have received.  You made me a mom for the second time, and I was completely and totally in love.  That, my dear, has never, and will never, change.

My sweet girl, I love your spunky, strong, independent spirit.  You are always finding a way to make me laugh or smile with your silly antics.  You know what you want, and you are not afraid to go for it. You are so full of life and love to try new things and new adventures.  You are the very best grocery shopper helper I could ask for.  You are loving and caring, and always seem to find creative ways to help others.  You love to sing, you love to dance, you love to be the center of attention.  You love to play outside and draw and swim and run and laugh...oh how you love to laugh.  You give the very best loves, even though you usually only give them on your terms.  You are such a quick learner, and are eager to keep up with your brother every step of the way.

May you continue to be completely and totally you. May you know how deeply and truly you are loved...by me, by your Dad, by your family, and most of all, by God.  May you dream big dreams, and have the courage to follow them.  May you know you will always, always, always have a place to call home.

I love you forever and for always!
Mommy

You are my daughter.  My sweet, precious gift.  For you, everyday, I strive to live up to those words "You Are a Good Mom."  I hope every now and then, I hit the mark!  I love you to the moon and back!

I am a Mom of Big Kids

I came to a somewhat startling realization the other day.

I am a Mom of Big Kids.

Now, before we get too far, I am well aware that at ages 2 1/2 and 4 1/2, my kiddos are still "little kids" in the big picture of childhood.  They still need my help to button their pants and brush their hair and cut their food for them at meal time.  I guess the "startling" part of my realization was more clearly this...

I am no longer a Mom of a Baby.

It happened when I stumbled into a conversation in which a group of Moms were talking about baby led weaning.  I had absolutely no idea what they were referring to.  I knew what 'baby' meant.  I was good with 'led.' And I had (what I thought) was a fairly good understanding of 'weaning.'  Put those three words together, though, and I was clueless.  Was this actually a "thing?"  I actually had to Google it later to find out what it was because 1.) in general, I am a curious person and 2.) I didn't want to feel "out of the (baby) loop" any more.  And yes.  It is a "thing."  Very much so.  

This was the first time I had been totally blindsided by something related to being a Mom of a Baby.  My own kids are only 22 months apart, so I felt like we went from one just on his way to Toddler Town, and then jumped right back into BabyVille again.  For the most part, when topics related to being a Mom of a Baby came up, I could relate and generally knew what people were talking about.  Even if it wasn't something I did with my own baby, I was at least aware of the topic, or had vaguely heard of whatever was being discussed.  This time, however, I had no clue.  I knew the day would come when I wasn't a citizen of BabyVille any more, but nonetheless, it felt like it snuck up on me a little bit.

It dawned on me again in talking about baby registry stuff with my sister.  I was finding out just how much had changed in the world of baby gear since I had my son.  There is a new "must have" bottle, stroller styles are different and you can't find a drop-down side crib anywhere.  (This will make me feel extra old...many of you reading this don't even know what that is...) The things I had used were still on the shelves, but were no longer the "it" items.  There was a time when I felt like I was "in the know" about baby gear and gadgets.  I now feel like I'm more "around the know" ... or maybe "adjacent to the know" ... or perhaps "down the street from the know."  A lot of the stuff is basically the same, but the amount of change in what Moms of babies are using now had the same thoughts entering my brain...

I am no longer the Mom of a Baby.

I have to admit, it did make me sad.  For a minute. I have so many precious memories wrapped up in those first weeks and months with my kiddos!  I loved being the Mom of a Baby.  

I loved having a sleeping baby curled up on my chest.  I loved their teeny, tiny little fingers and toes.  I loved the look of wonder on their faces when they discovered those fingers were theirs...and {gasp!}...they could actually control them.  I loved the smell of all things baby.  (Well, maybe not all things, but you get the picture.)  I loved their little baby fat rolls on top of baby fat rolls.  I loved those first few smiles.  I loved being the Mom of a Baby.

But that sad feeling really was just for a minute, because I have come to realize that...

I love being the Mom of Big Kids, too.

My 4 1/2 year old has just learned how to play checkers.  It is amazing to sit and play a game with him and see his little wheels turning as he plans where his next move will be.  He gleefully instructs "King me!" when he reaches my end of the board.  He smiles and tells me "I'm coming after your kings, Mom!" as the game reaches the end.  He is looking and talking more and more like a Big Kid.  And even though it's hard to see my baby growing up some days, I remind myself it's OK. 

 It's better than OK, actually. It's amazing.
  
Our family can play a game of Memory together.  We can go catch a movie at an actual movie theater together (as long as said movie is animated...under 90 minutes...but I'll take it).  We can go from one adventure to the next (please note, 'adventures' at this point in life refer to Meijer, the mall or the library, for the most part), and not have to worry about who has to nap when or what time the next feeding will be.  We can leave for the afternoon and not bring half of our house with us.  

My kids tell me jokes now.  (They are still more like statements at this point, but in their mind, they are jokes).  My kids draw pictures for me now.  My kids sing Disney songs to me now.  They are becoming their own little selves, and I get a front row seat to watch it all unfold.  

I know the time will fly.  I know all to soon, I'll be realizing I'm the Mom of School Age Kids.  Of Teenagers.  Of College Kids.  Of Married Kids.  Of Grandkids.  

For now, I'm going to fondly remember being the Mom of a Baby, and revisit those days through pictures, stories and memories. 

For now, I'm going to celebrate being a Mom of Big Kids.  I think I hear another game of checkers calling my name...

Whether you are currently a Mom of a Baby or just remember being one, You Are a Good Mom.  Whatever stage of motherhood you are in, embrace it and enjoy it.  (Moms of teenagers, my heart goes out to you all.  Please take notes so you can tell me what to do when I get there!)  Live in the moment of every stage, as they fly by much too quickly.  As you look back on the end of one phase, look ahead to the new adventures that lie in the next.  Through them all, rest assured that indeed, You Are a Good Mom.

A Mom is Born

"The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new."  ~Unknown

I'm A Mom...!...?

The first time I realized that I was indeed someone's "Mom" was not all that long after my first baby was born.  I know that sounds very silly, but it's true.  My son was born at 11:15pm. 

[For those of you keeping score, those 45 minutes did indeed count as our first "night" in the hospital.] 

We were absolutely elated.  Delivery had gone well, I was able to nurse him shortly after he was born, and we were then able to welcome our family into the delivery room to meet the little guy.  They had been waiting patiently all evening and into these early morning hours to meet the new addition to the family.  We finally made it to the room we'd be staying in for the next two (read above comment...more like one...) days by about 2:30am.  We chose to keep our son in his bassinet in the room with us that first night.  When I was wheeled into our room and looked up to see the clock, I remember feeling like we were running on pure adrenaline and joy and couldn't believe we had a healthy baby boy that was our son.

Our son.

Does Anyone Know They Left This Baby in Here?

That feeling hit me like a tons of bricks in the middle of that first night.  Around 3:30 or 4:00am, my son woke up and was crying.  That cry.  That was the cry of my baby.  I had been around a lot of babies in my life, and every single other time I had ever heard them cry, I knew there was a Certified Mom around to comfort them, cuddle them, console them.  That was now, somehow, me.  
Was I ready for this?  Was I prepared for this?  Was I supposed to have a license or some kind of seal of approval or something to do this?  Medical professionals had knowingly left this poor, innocent 5-hour old baby in this room with my husband and me.  I wondered how long it would be until they realized this.

Upon hearing the cry of our son at that middle-of-the-night hour, I carefully got out of the hospital bed, and tried not to wake up my sweet husband, who was attempting to "sleep" on the pull-out chair contraption they deceptively called a "bed" near the window.  I walked over to my newborn son's bassinet and picked up his teeny, tiny swaddled body.  I put him up on my shoulder and patted his back and began walking him back and forth, back and forth, in the dim light of the hospital room.  I was somehow hoping maybe once I picked him up he would just magically fall back asleep in my arms.   I was trying to conjure up all these images of the videos we had seen in our birthing class, the pictures in the books I had read, the visions I had of other moms I had witnessed do these things hundreds of times.  I kept pacing back and forth, back and forth.  I had this crazy feeling of "What am I supposed to do now?  I am his mom.  I am the one who is just supposed to 'know' what do do!"  

At that point, my husband was awake.  We both had a little of a "deer in the headlights" look, and were looking to each other for what to do or what to try next.  After about 10 minutes, a nurse came in our room to check my vital's or the baby's vitals or give me meds or one of the other 476 reasons they come into your room that first night.  I remember thinking "Thank God!  She must have heard him crying and come in to check on him!"  She went about her business of whatever she had come in to do, and wasn't phased in the least by our crying newborn.  

"Ok," I thought.  "This is a good sign.  She is not acting as alarmed as I feel right now.  She is not looking at us like we are the worst parents on Earth.  This must be somewhat normal."

After a couple of minutes, I said "I'm not quite sure why he's crying.  I've been walking him and patting his back and 'shush'ing in his ear, but nothing really seems to be working."  

With very kind eyes, she looked at me and asked "What time did he last eat?"

EAT!  Oh.  My.  Goodness.  How did I not think of that?  A basic survival need, and it had never even crossed my mind.  I have to feed this kid.  How in the world can I be a mom if I don't even remember...wait, even think...to feed my little guy?  

I instantly flashed back to what I had read, what I had heard.  That newborns eat every 2 hours.  That their stomach is the size of a marble.  Those thoughts had not surfaced in all my walking and patting and 'shush'ing.  It had been nearly 4 hours since he had his first meal.  The poor kid was hungry!

The amazing nurse and my incredible husband helped me get our little 7 pound miracle fed, changed, settled and back to bed.  I took a deep breath at that point and thought "This is it.  There is no going back.  I am now a mom.  I am now his mom.  God, please help me to not screw up too badly and to know what to do at least some of the time.  Grant me wisdom, as I'm pretty sure I have no idea what I'm doing, and somehow, the people in this hospital trust me with this precious child.  Your precious child.  Please walk with me every step of the way."  I have prayed that last line, or some version of it, nearly every day for the last 4 1/2 years.

Getting to Know All About You...

In the days and weeks that followed, our little family of three got the hang of being a family.  Feeding, napping, bathing, changing.  We spent time figuring each other out.  When I look back on it now, those are truly some of my absolute happiest memories.  Yes, we were sleep deprived.  Yes, we didn't really know what we were doing.  But it was us.  It was the three of us, and we had each other.  It was in those days that I started trusting myself and trusting my instincts more and more.  I owe a lot of this to my husband, my own mom and the other moms who stopped by to visit.  I could see it in their eyes and hear it in their words and feel it in their warmth-- they trusted me.

I was his mom.  He was my son.  I loved him more than anything on Earth.  When he was hungry or tired or just needed his mom, that was me.  I was that person.  I had walked into that hospital as a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a teacher, but walked out as a Mom.  I knew something had forever changed within me.  

A Mom had been born.  

So whether your little tiny miracle hasn't yet shown herself to the world or your baby is now taller than you, You Are a Good Mom.  You will always and forever be.  You are the one who knows them best.  You are their comfort and their safe place.  You are their Mom.

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If you are a Mom-to-be or a relatively new Mom or know someone in those categories, you may want to check out this little addendum post, too!  Just a few more thoughts on this topic that didn't quite fit into this post anywhere.