To My Son on His First Day of His Senior Year

 To My Son...

Today is your very first day of your Senior Year of high school.  

Your cell phone is charging on the kitchen counter.  You have your own cash you've earned in your wallet to go out to lunch with your friends.  Your gas tank is topped off.  

You are ready to go.

That comes as no surprise though. This whole "first day of school thing" is not new for you. You have been doing it for the past 13 years now. You know what needs to happen, where to go and what to do. The only thing that is new this year is the "last" part of this day. 

This is your "last" first day of school. 

And I know you are ready for that, too. But the question for me hasn't changed much since that "first" first day of school so many years ago: Am I ready?

Am I ready to watch you drive out of our driveway, with your younger sister in the passenger seat next to you? Am I ready to admit that you now navigate emailing teachers, completing assignments and problem solving conflicts in your busy schedule on your own? Am I ready to accept that so many events this year will come with a bittersweet reminder that it is your "last"? Am I ready to start a year that is full of celebrations, but is also a year of letting you go?

Just like so many years ago, the answers to those questions remain irrelevant, because once again, you are ready.

It has been an incredible journey watching you learn and grow since that very "first" first day of school. There are times when it felt like the homework would never be done, or the waiting in the parking lot to pick you up from practice or rehearsal would last forever, as you'd be the last one to walk out to our car. There have been more concerts, parent/teacher conferences and permission slips than I can count. There have been late nights finishing up projects and papers, and sleepless nights dealing with ear infections and the stomach flu. There have been spelling bees and rental instruments and class trips and soccer cleats and robotics competitions. There have even been masks and quarantine and virtual learning thrown in there, too. I knew it was amazing and hard and joyful and heart breaking while it was happening. I did my best to take it all in and soak it all up - the ups, the downs and everything in between. I felt like I kept my eyes and my heart wide open while we walked through it all. 

I just didn't know how fast it would go. 

I heard it time and time again - how fast it all goes - but I somehow thought it would be different for me, for my kid; somehow that year of "lasts" would stay out of reach just a little bit longer. I would see it coming around the bend and have a minute to take a deep breath and be ready. And while I know I'm not ready for some things, I also know I'm incredibly ready and eager and excited for many things this year will hold, too.

But that's just part of being a parent I suppose. Experiencing a range of emotions all at once. Knowing two things can be true. Living in the space of both/and.

I know this will be a both/and kind of year. 

Ready and not ready.

Excited and sad.

Holding on and letting go.

So if I happen to hug you an extra second longer this morning or ask to take a couple more pictures than I should, please know it comes from a place of love and pride and gratitude and excitement for you and all that lies ahead for you this Senior Year. And it also comes from a place of wanting to hold on to all of it just one moment longer.

Holding on to celebrating a first day of school with you in person. Holding on to asking you if you need any help on your homework, then laughing because we both know I can't help you even if the answer is yes. Holding to chaperoning band trips as you and your friends travel around the city, state and even to Disney World to share your love of music and performing. Holding on to making sure the fridge or the freezer or the pantry is stocked with the foods and snacks you love. Holding on to listening to you fill our house with music and friends and laughter. Holding on to sitting in the stands or the auditorium seats to cheer you on as you perform. Even holding on to tripping over your shoes that you left in front of the door again and bugging you about putting your laundry away for the third time in one night.

And while I may hold on a little extra tight today, I promise I will do my best to work toward letting go as this year goes on, too. The year ahead feels like it will be a "practice year" for both of us as you take your next step toward independence. As you take on more, it means I need to give you the room and space to do so, and inevitably, I need to take on less. There will be times you will struggle with this. There will be times I will struggle with this. But I promise I will keep trying and keep learning how to let go in a way that allows you to make sense of the world and figure out the person you want to be in it.

Holding on and letting go.

Both/and.

Seeing you become more and more independent is exactly what my heart hopes and wants for you. It is such a joy to watch you follow your dreams and start to think about what life will look like after high school. You have so much to offer this world, and I know that means going out and pursuing what's next beyond the walls of our house and your high school. There's nothing more I want for you than to experience all this life has to offer.

Ultimately, that's what this "last" first day is about - embracing all this year has to offer. It is a celebration of all the hard work you've put in since that very "first" first day of school. It is the culmination of all 13 years of your education. There are so many opportunities that you've been looking forward to and waiting for and now get to experience as a Senior. You have put in the time and effort and work, and this year is a chance to enjoy all the milestones and special events that Senior Year holds. 

In the year ahead, you will also be making big decisions about your future, working on your college applications and essays, and preparing for auditions. When the moments come that feel overwhelming - as they most certainly will - remember to look back on all the years that led you here. The time you spent learning to do long division. The effort you put into identifying dozens of trees. The work you did to master a tough new etude.  It's all in there. It's in you. You've got the drive and determination to tackle the big things of this Senior Year, just as you tackled all of those things that felt equally as big in all those years leading up to this one. 

Lots of time, effort and work practicing the number 1 in kindergarten... 😊

You are ready. You are ready for this day and this year. You have been preparing since that "first" first day of school 12 years ago, and every day since. So much of what I hoped for you on that day remains true for you on this day, too. Continue to follow your heart and make choices based on what you know to be true and right and kind. Continue to trust yourself and believe in yourself and stay true to yourself.  Continue to learn and do and see and experience things, as your whole world is once again going to open up to be so much bigger this year.    

I hope you have a fantastic first day of Senior Year, and I absolutely can't wait to hear whatever you're willing to share with me tonight after you get home from marching band rehearsal at 10:00pm. 😉

I still love you to the moon and back!
Mom

Here's the original To My Son on His First Day of School post from 12 years ago. Time sure flies...