"Parent"dox: Tag Team Sleeping

Sunday Night "Parent"dox #13: Tag Team Sleeping

It is no big secret that my kids are not the very best sleepers in town.  Or our neighborhood.  Or even our house for that matter.  

This is nothing new for me.  They weren't great sleepers as newborns or infants or toddlers.  

What is new, however, is this tag team approach to sleeping they have developed.

What is tag team sleeping you ask?  (You may have this very phenomenon occurring in your own household.  I really hope you don't, but read on...you may recognize some of these traits.)  Tag team sleeping is when two or more children take turns waking up in the night on different nights throughout the week.  They are skilled organizers who coordinate who will wake up on any given night to ensure the adults in the house never actually get a full night's sleep.  

Tag Team Sleeping Monday Morning Staff Meeting
I totally picture my children mapping our their week on Monday morning, much like a staff office meeting.  They each pull out their calendars over a sippy cup of juice and a bowl of yogurt.  I think the conversation probably goes something like this:

"Yeah, tonight is good for me.  I don't have preschool, so I'll probably be pretty rested and be able to handle at least one good middle of the night coughing fit.  But Wednesday is gonna be tough.  I've got soccer that night, so I'll probably be pretty whooped.  I think I may actually sleep pretty sound all night long.  Can you pick up my Wednesday?"

"I can swing that.  I can probably do two or three night terror mini episodes that night.  I'll be so tired from Wednesday, that can spill into more night terrors on Thursday and Friday, too.  But if I take those 3 nights in a row, I'm gonna need you to handle Tuesday."

"Done.  I usually get thirsty on Tuesdays.  I'll just turn my light on in the middle of the night that shines right into Mom and Dad's room while I read some books.  But then the weekend is all you."

"Hmm...I may have to get back to you on that.  I do like to nap on Friday afternoons.  Maybe I can do a nap, then just arrange for an 11:00pm bedtime.  That should work.  But then Saturday is gonna be tough.  Can we meet in the middle on Saturday?  What if we both take Saturday?"

"Nice.  I like that.  A good double up to end the week sounds great.  What if you wet the bed and I just stumble into Mom and Dad's room for no real reason?  I'm liking how this week is shaping up.  This may be some of our best work yet."

The "parent"dox is this: I can't catch a break and just have one awful night of sleep with both kids.  If one sleeps through the night, the other is up.  And then it's pretty much guaranteed they'll flip flop and the "sleeper" from that night will become the "waker upper" the next night and vice versa.    

Case in Point: Last Tuesday
For about seven months now, my daughter has been struggling on and off with night terrors.  They have been occurring much more frequently in the last month or so.

[Please note: Night terrors are awful.  AWFUL.  I do not wish them on my worst enemy.  It is a screaming, crying child, who is not awake.  It's pretty much like they are having the most terrible nightmare ever, and they can't wake up.  I take that back.  It's not like that.  It is that.  You can't wake them up, and if you do try, it just makes it worse.  Kind of like how you're not supposed to wake up a sleep walker.  

There is no comforting, no consoling and no cure. 

I feel completely and totally helpless as my daughter screams and cries like one of her limbs is being ripped from her body, only for her to wake up in the morning and proudly report to me "I sleeped all night, Momma!" and have no recollection of whatever was making her so upset.  I've been told it's a phase and something they just eventually grow out of of.  I've also been given a few suggestions to try, but nothing has worked to this point.  I'm still open to ideas, though, so feel free to leave me one if you've got one...]

These night terrors pop up about 5-6 nights a week lately.  There can be anywhere from one to four different episodes throughout the night.  Sometimes they last a few minutes, sometimes almost an hour.  Either way, as soon as I hear her, I'm awake.  As in wide awake.  As in about 3 weeks ago, I started my day at 3:45am because I could not get back to sleep, even though my daughter had cried for about 2 minutes and was already back to dreamland.  

We celebrate the nights she sleeps through the night.  And how do we celebrate?  With joy and thanksgiving.  And also with my son being up in the night.  

On one such "daughter-slept-though-the-night miracle" last week, I awoke in the middle of the night to see a dim light coming from the kitchen.  (Did I mention I'm a super light sleeper ever since having kids?)  I heard footsteps and rustling around.  I rolled over, and sure enough, my husband was sound asleep next to me.  This, of course, made my stomach drop as I assumed he was the one making noise in the kitchen.  My heart started to race, until I heard a familiar voice "Mom?  Mom?  I'm thirsty."  

It was my son.  

I made my way into the kitchen to find him standing in his Spiderman pajamas in front of the warm glow of the refrigerator light.  He looked up at me and asked very matter-of-factly "Can you get me a Capri Sun?" as though there was nothing odd or out of the ordinary about searching the fridge for a beverage at 3:38am.  Yup.  3:38am.  He requested getting the straw into his Capri Sun (no small task in the dark at 3:38am), gulped the juice pouch down while we sat in a chair in the living room, and then headed back to bed.  This did not result it any bed wetting later in the night, so I did have that going for me.

Of course, this early morning juice run did occur on the rare occasion that my daughter slept through the night.  Not a night where I was already laying awake in bed after hearing my daughter cry.  Nope.  A night I was sleeping soundly and enjoying every second I could.  And why did it happen that way?  Their Monday morning staff meeting.  I am totally convinced of it.  

Tag team sleepers.  That's my kids.  It's just who they are.  

(Here's the most amazingly "parent"doxical part of it all:  I am still head over heels in love with both of them.)

I'm hoping I'll get some sleep around 2023 or so.  Or when we put a mini-fridge in my son's room.  Or when I can intercept their Monday Morning staff meetings.  I'll keep you posted.

Even when you're tired...  Even when your kids aren't sleeping...  Even when your kids join forces against you...  Fear not:  You Are a Good Mom.

*******************************************************************************************************
If you haven't already, be sure to stop by and check out the "You're a Good Mom" page on Facebook.  "Like" it and any new blog posts will be delivered right to your news feed!  Thanks!

"Parent"dox: The Later They're Up, The Earlier They're Up

***************************************************************************************************
par·a·dox \ˈper-ə-ˌdäks, ˈpa-rə-\

          
          a statement that is seemingly contradictory or opposed to common 
          sense and yet is perhaps true

1.  It is a paradox that computers need maintenance so often, since they are meant to save people time.  (merriam-webster.com)

par·ent·dox  \I need one of my genius speech path friends to do 
                            this part\                                 
                            \Kelli & Gretchen are laughing right now\

the daily experience that is parenthood; seemingly living life in contradiction

          1.  It is a "parent"dox that I am exhausted pretty much all day, but the second my head hits 
          the pillow, my mind starts remembering all of the random things I need to do and I am 
          instantly wide awake.  (youreagoodmom.blogspot.com)   
 ***************************************************************************************************

Sunday Night "Parent"dox #3: The Later They're Up, The Earlier They're Up

I love my children dearly.  

I love their sweet little faces.  I love their bouts of laughter.  I love their hugs and kisses.  

But sometimes I just need a break from all that wonderfulness.  And I need them to sleep.

Once we had established somewhat of a sleep schedule with my first-born, (which took a little while, if I'm being entirely honest...) complete with a regular bed time, I figured I would be given the precious gift of a set amount of hours of sleep by said child.  

One would stand to reason that if a kiddo went to bed later than his regularly scheduled bedtime, that he would simply tack those hours on to his ridiculously early regularly scheduled wake up time in the morning.  This is how it worked out in my own sleeping life.  Later to bed, later to rise...isn't that how Benjamin Franklin put it? If I paid the price and put in some extra "mom hours" at night, then I could regain some "just for me" hours in the morning, in the form of sleep.  Seems like a natural law of physics or something, right?

Oh, how incredibly wrong I was...

This is how I learned of another of life's "parent"doxes:  The later they're up, the earlier they're up.

Whenever my children go to bed later than anticipated, they actually wake up earlier than usual the next morning.  As if to silently remind me, "Mom, I'm the one calling the shots here.  Just remember that..."

I have no idea why this happens.  I'm sure there are a million sleep experts who could explain it with Circadian rhythms or establishing positive sleeping habits or phases or the moon or something.  

For me, all I know is that when my kids are up extra late, I better plan on an extra early wake up call the next morning.  And an extra Coke.  Or three. 

No matter what time they go to bed; no matter what time they get up...You're a Good Mom.

*******************************************************************************************************

Oh, how I wish I had some way to share some sort of video or audio recording of me writing this last post.  Yes, it is shorter than most.  "Is she running out of things to say?" you may wonder.  Those of you who know me well know this is never a legitimate possibility, sorry to say.  

I have been sitting at the kitchen counter.  My kids have been sharing -- yes, sharing -- the other bar stool next to me while playing Legos.  (Note: I sat down with my lap top by myself in the kitchen to write a quick little post.  These acquired "writing partners" were not part of the original plan.)  By playing, I mean crashing, tumbling, crying, screaming, dropping and any other loud or chaos-related verbs you can think of here.  I just have to smile.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  

Apologies for any and all typos, misspellings and overall lack of complete thought above.  Thanks for reading anyway!

Who Needs Sleep?

I did not have one of those babies who slept through the night at 2 weeks old or even 2 months old.  I had one of those babies that woke up every hour on the hour the first night we were home from the hospital.  I remember thinking that night "I may never sleep again..."

But I did.  And thankfully, he did.  

Two years later, we were blessed with our daughter.  She was not one of those babies who slept through the night at 2 weeks or even 2 months old.  She was one of those babies who simply could not sleep on her back.  So I "slept" in a big arm chair in our living room for 6 weeks with her laying on her tummy on my chest .  I remember thinking those nights "I may never sleep again..."

But I did.  And thankfully, she did, too.

Maybe you had one of those babies that was a great sleeper right off the bat.  God Bless You!  Find other moms who had great sleepers, too.  Talk about how awesome it is with each other.  Be amazed at how you had to wake your newborn up to feed them.  My genuine, sincere admiration and excitement for all of you!  It is good to know those babies do exist in the world!!

Just don't tell the rest of us in the "non-sleeper" category.  

My kids have never been great sleepers.  They have gotten the hang of it over the years, but it is definitely not their strongest talent.  They do not transfer well from falling asleep in their car seat to their own bed.  They do not go back to sleep once they've woken up from a nap.  Even if they only slept for 7 minutes and something woke them up (yes, I'm talking to you solicitor who is ringing my doorbell), they are pretty sure that was their nap for the day.  They do not love to snuggle up and nap in the afternoon.  They would much rather play.  Having "quiet time" is even a pretty big compromise in their mind at this stage of the game.    

Quite possibly the "parent"dox of my kids not loving to sleep is how much I love to sleep.  I mean LOVE.  TO.  SLEEP. Given the option to watch TV or go shopping or do just about anything, I will most likely pick sleep.  Every time.  I am that girl.  I am a person who needs my sleep to function.  

I am completely and totally in awe and have nothing but admiration for those who don't need a ton of sleep.  My sister and my aunt both fall into this category.  They can function on little to no sleep.  Wait, let me rephrase that.  They do more than function.  They thrive and perform and are successful and amazing and are actually NICE to other people, even if they haven't had much sleep.  It is all I can do to not rip off the cashier's face at Meijer when they ask me if I have any coupons when I don't get good sleep.  Just ask my husband.  He, unfortunately, bears the brunt of my grumpiness when sleep in not happening in our household.  Console him next time you see him.  Say a little prayer for him next time you hear in a conversation or see on Facebook that one (or both) of our children were up in the night.  

The thing that does work out well for him is that I am pretty good at getting up in the middle of the night with hungry, scared, wet, sick kids.  I don't really mind it at the time, so I take the vast majority of "night shifts" at our house when it comes to kids being up in the night.  I take 100% responsibility for this, as I have taken this on myself.  I can be compassionate and loving and caring and patient at 2:04am.  And 3:47am.  And again at 5:18am.  But come that next day...all bets are off.  I will be a horrible, grumpy monster.  Sorry.  It's all I got.  

The Eyes Say It All
When I used to where contacts, I would where my glasses on days when I had been up in the night with one or both of our kids.  I felt like it was somehow my warning to the world.  (Specifically, my poor, unsuspecting 4th graders at school...) In my mind, the glasses projected this message to all those I encountered that day:  "I am wearing my glasses.  These are my tired glasses.  I could not bring myself to shove a small piece of plastic in my already exhausted, bloodshot eyeballs.  Consider yourself warned.  And I am sorry."  Maybe I should have actually printed this on a business card, and simply handed it to people as I encountered them throughout the day.

I no longer have contacts.  I wear my glasses everyday.  Part of it is because I have astigmatism in both eyes.  Part of it is, well, see the Stages listed below.

My Own Un-Sleep Training
We read all kinds of books and watch videos and talk to each other constantly about getting our kids to sleep, even "training" our kids to sleep.  I have found, however, that my kids have also trained me...to not sleep.  I cannot believe what a light sleeper I became when I became a mom.  I hear every bump, every creak, every rustle of a sheet.  I also hear every non-noise...i.e. when my kiddos were babies and I didn't hear them cry.  Are they still breathing?  Are they OK?  I remember when they would start to drop a feeding in the middle of the night, and it would take me 3 or 4 nights to adjust to it.  I would still wake up at that time, look at the clock, and wait for them to wake up.  Then they would not wake up, and I would lay there and try to calculate how many minutes of sleep I could get before they next woke up if I could actually fall back asleep right now.  And now.  And now.  And then there went 12 more minutes of sleep....

I have vague recollections of my family teasing my grandma about being able to "Hear a mouse wetting on a cotton."  As a kid, I thought that was the weirdest thing ever.  Why was there a mouse in my grandparents house?  Shouldn't they try to catch it?  And why did it pee on cotton?  And how did it know where the cotton was in the house, anyway?  I digress...  But I'm pretty sure I inherited that from her.  I feel your pain, Grandma Helen!  The mice have brought their cotton and moved into my house!

***************************************************************************************

As a mom, I have often found myself wondering "When will the time come when I am not tired anymore?" Unfortunately, I have recently come to understand that being tired just comes with the title of "Mom."  I have come to accept that I will simply just be tired.  Always.  I have even developed a theory on this matter.  It is extremely scientific, and boasts lots of data and experiments to back it up.  (Translation: my own random thoughts and experiences with my own two children, put together at a time that I myself was somewhat sleep deprived.)

Here are the stages of my Theory of Interrupted Rest & Endless Drowsiness (TIRED).  

Stage 1
Learn in classes and read in baby books newborns sleep 18 hours a day.  Great!  Think that is totally manageable.  Think your baby will be the one who sleeps through the night at 5 days old, anyway.  (I know some of you reading this really DID have that baby...AMAZING!  I am totally impressed! Pretty sure you have some sort of magical powers.  Again...seek one another out.  Talk to each other about how magnificent it is.  Concoct some way to capture it and pass it out in labor and delivery rooms across the world.)

Stage 2
Actual newborn lives in your house.  Realize they do sleep 18 hours a day.  In 26 minute chunks.  And never actually at night.  Become irate at the person who coined the term "sleeping like a baby" and associated it with sleeping well.  

Stage 3
Get first night of real sleep.  Panic because you wake up and realize that you woke up on your own free will, and Baby did not wake you up.  Race into nursery to make sure Baby is still breathing. Come to the painful realization that "sleeping through the night" now means anything over 6 consecutive hours.  Feel pretty confident this "tired thing" has just about run its course, though.

Stage 4
Baby plays first (of many) practical jokes on you.  That full night of sleep was a one time deal.  Next night is back to your lovely little nightly rendezvous at 12...3...6...

Stage 5
Baby starts really, actually, consistently sleeping through the night!  Hallelujah!  Begin to think you will get back to sleeping through the night for real.

Stage 6
Baby becomes toddler and moves into big kid bed.  Woo hoo!  Realize child can now get up out of their bed when they wake up.  Early in the morning.  Or at any time of the night.  Boo hoo.  Teach child to stay in bed, or at least in room.  Back to hoping for more sleep.  Realize being tired wasn't just a "baby" thing.

Stage 7
Toddler becomes preschooler.  Arrive at a place where sleep is pretty consistent.  Then it hits.  Illness.  Nightmares.  Bed wetting.  New baby in the house.  Something.  Something comes along and messes with this beautiful sleep thing you've finally gotten pretty well established as a family.  

[Please note...the next few stages, overall, have noticeably less description, as I have yet to live through them as a parent myself.  They are based on: 1. my recollections of these stages as a kid (Insert apologies to my parents here...), and 2. stories relayed to me by friends or family who do have kids at these ages.]

Stage 8
Preschooler becomes school age child.  The actual process of going to bed becomes more and more prolonged and drawn out.  They can't fall asleep because they are worried about friends or homework or the talent show.  They want to have a later bed time because they "aren't a baby anymore!" (oh, if they only knew that their bedtime as a baby was 11:00pm...)  They want to negotiate with you to stay up and watch just one more show, play one more game on their iPod, read one more chapter of their book once they are in bed.  Begin to see tiredness as a way of life, not just a "little kid" thing.  (When I was teaching 4th grade, I did get some great insight into this stage from parents of kids in my classes!)

Stage 9
School age children become teenagers. Lay awake at night when they are not home, listening for the garage door to open and hear them attempt to "sneak" safely into their beds.  Lay awake at night when they are home, listening to them and their friends make way too much noise while they attempt to be "quiet," while eating all your food and laughing, talking and just being teenagers.

Stage 10
Children go to college.  Try to sleep because the house is quiet, but can't sleep because the house is quiet.  Too quiet.

Stage 11 
Finally adjust to house being quiet.  Children move back home.  Realize these "children" are on the same schedule they were as newborns, meaning they are up all night and sleep during the day.  

Stage 12 
Children finally move out for real.  For real.  Have come to the point where sleeping until 7:00am is "sleeping in" and often wake up randomly throughout the night.  Stinkin' hormones...

Stage 13
Have grandchildren.  See that life really does come full circle, as your own child is now embarking on this journey.  (See Stage 1)  Smile, hold your sweet, sweet grandbaby, and give your own child a chance to catch a quick nap.   

************************************************************************************

I know sleep can be a touchy subject for some people.  There are as many theories, books, articles and websites out there as there are moms and babies about how to "best" handle sleep. This post is not meant to promote or discount any theory or style when it comes to sleeping, or stir up heated discussions about the "right" way to get a baby to sleep. That is not the point of this blog.  My hope for this post, and for all posts, is that it may bring a smile to your face in the midst of a hectic day, and that it may help you see that you are not alone in a challenge you may be facing.  There are enough "experts" out there on one thing or another when it comes to parenting, and I will most definitely never claim to be one myself.  I simply hope to encourage and lift you up as you make your way through your own journey of motherhood.

I know you are tired.  Hang in there.  Keep at it.  You are loving your kiddos through it all, and that makes you amazing.  Cherish the good nights of sleep.  Treasure precious naps.  If you were able to stay awake to read this entire post, you are a rock star!  You are even more than that...You Are a Good Mom!