That Sunday Night Feeling

Sunday nights have a very distinct feeling during the school year.

As an elementary teacher, a mom of two very active school-aged kids, and a wife of a husband who travels for his job, Sundays nights are my least favorite night of the week.  It is planning and prepping and cleaning and cooking and scheduling.  

It is looking at the week ahead, and figuring out who is taking which kid where, and what we are doing when their activities overlap.  It is emailing coaches and leaders and letting them know if a kid needs to leave early or will be coming late because of another activity.  It's making sure the refrigerator is stocked and there is some kind of loose plan for feeding your family for the week.  It's making sure lesson plans are complete and materials are ready for teaching nearly 600 students at 2 schools in the week ahead.  It's doing enough laundry that there are clean clothes and uniforms for whatever the week demands.  It's trying to squeeze out the last few minutes of the weekend and family time before diving back into the chaos.

My husband will tell you I try to cram a 32-hour to do list into one night.  I'm not gonna lie.  He's right.

(Yes, Trevor.  I put that in print and on the internet. You. Are. Right.)

If I'm being honest, I generally dread Sunday nights.  Because of all the reasons listed above, by Sunday afternoon, I can feel my mood shift.  I feel myself getting more uptight and less patient.  I feel myself feeling more stressed and less relaxed.  The only way I can describe it is "that Sunday night feeling."  Maybe you know this feeling, too.

Tonight's Sunday night feeling is something entirely different though.

For the first time in I can't remember when, it's Sunday night and there is no "half done" to do list still in my head as I tuck my kids in and tell them good night.  

My schedule is clear, with no practices, concerts, events or meetings to transport anyone to. There are no logistics to coordinate.  There is no need to sit down across the table from my husband and walk through each day in the week ahead to decide who was getting which kid where. I have actually taken down our family calendar.  Each box on the calendar is filled with multiple commitments, but in our current reality, those hand-written times and activities have all been cancelled.  The calendar that was once crucial to our daily functioning now means absolutely nothing.  It is folded and put away in a cupboard for now.

My laundry is done.  Like done done.  I literally do not ever remember a time this has happened.  The only dirty clothes in our house right now are the ones we are wearing.  

Let me share a quick story just to reference how bizarre this is for me.  A few weeks ago, as we were coming home from my daughter's indoor softball tournament at 9:00pm on a Sunday night, the thought actually crossed my mind about stopping to purchase underwear for my children on the drive home because I wasn't sure if they had any clean underwear at home. That's how Sunday nights usually feel in our house, especially after a weekend jammed with activities.  But it's Sunday night.  And my laundry is done.

My bathrooms are clean.

My floors are vacuumed.

My dishwasher is empty.

My meal list is made for the week.

Again, just to be clear, this is not the norm.  These are things I dream of having done on a Sunday night, to feel prepared to dive into the week that lies ahead, but don't ever actually happen, and definitely don't ever happen all at the same time.

The only thing that feels familiar about today is that I still have "that Sunday night feeling."  But this Sunday night feeling is totally different.

On this Sunday night, that Sunday night feeling is one of sadness.  

I feel sad that once again, I will not get to see my students' sweet faces this week.  I will not get to share books and stories that have touched my heart with them.  I will not get to see the joy and excitement that crosses their faces when they choose books, and get to check them out from the library to read in the days ahead.  

I feel sad that my own kids are missing their friends and teachers.  They will not get to see them tomorrow and share what they did this weekend.  They will not continue working on group projects or go on field trips to the observatory or have their school carnival.  

I feel sad that my daughter's basketball season was left undone.  I feel sad that my son's one year experience at Zoo School is being drastically changed.  I feel sad that I can't hug my friends or run a quick errand.  I feel sad that our Spring Break trip to visit dear friends in St. Louis will no longer be happening.  I feel sad that the half marathon I've been training for since January will now be a virtual run, with no real finish line to cross.

Please don't get me wrong.  I think we should all be staying home and staying safe.  I agree with the tough decisions being made right now, and support the cancellation of every single activity and the guidelines being put in place.  The sadness I'm feeling is nothing compared to the sadness families are facing when they can't visit sick family members in the hospital or the sadness medical professionals are feeling as they face impossible decisions or the sadness essential workers are experiencing as they continue going to work and facing risks for the common good.  And this adds another layer to this feeling of sadness, which feels a lot like guilt.  It has felt a lot like trying to ignore the sad or just "get over" the sad or stuff the sad away somewhere.

But I'm still sad.  And I'm coming to the realization that it's ok to be sad.  

I'm also coming to the realization that I can feel sad and honor those feelings, but I don't have to stay there.  I can remind myself of all the happy things.  Of this extra time with my family.  Of the slower pace of life that I can cherish and hold to in these days.  Of the laughs and giggles we've shared together as a family.  Of the messages I've gotten from students and colleagues.  Of the fewer loads of laundry I've had to do since we all keep wearing our pajamas for days on end.  Of having our health.  Of having a roof over our heads.  Of my friends who make me laugh through text messages and Zoom calls.  

I will also try to remember this new Sunday night feeling when my calendar goes back up and we are back to our routine, whenever that may be.  I hope it will help me keep perspective that the laundry being done isn't the end and be all.  Maybe this new Sunday night feeling will help combat the old Sunday night feeling in the future.

These days have been a roller coaster, filled with lots of ups and downs.  I imagine that will continue in the days, weeks and months ahead.  I'm going to lean into the sad times, as I'm sure they are not over.  I will let myself feel those sad feelings and let go of the guilt tied to them.  But I will also keep reminding myself of the happy so I can also push out of those sad times, too.

Sad, happy or anything in between, You're a Good Mom.